September of last year I moved out of my parents house. And I am not going to lie, I knew that I was not the nicest person towards my family that lived there (i.e. my parents and my brother, David). But I also, did not feel I was treated very nicely either. Then right before Christmas I moved back in for unfortunate circumstances at my place of living.
It was during my time away from my family home that I truly accepted Jesus and had a dramatic change within myself.So, when I came back, I tried to change the way I treated my family.
My relationship with my parents had an extreme change and felt so healthy to me; however, I still felt a great darkness in my relationship with my brother.I would try to make things better and do nice things, but I would mess up and I felt absolutely no grace with him.
I talked with my mom about how I was feeling, as nothing was getting better, but worse with him, in my two-ish months of being home. Then what she told will forever haunt me. Even as I am writing this I am holding back tears…
She told me that they were still feeling the hurt I caused them before I moved out. My parents could see my change and that was helping with the hurt I caused them, but my hurt was so bad with my brother that my good deeds could not overcome my hurt.
This broke me.
That the pain I felt from three people, they felt from one. Me.
I tried to use my serving and my “good” deeds to mask my harmful behaviors from before I left. One of my favorite musical, next to normal, speaks perfectly to my actions
“[I’ve] cut away the cancer, but I forgot to fill the hole.”
I thought I could mask my previous behavior without actually fixing it. I was forced to realize that my actions were not enough. I had to verbally apologize to my family.
Acknowledging, out loud, the pain I was capable of, killed(s) me. It is one thing to mentally know something, but another to vocalize it. I have always feared speaking what I know because then it actually becomes true.
By speaking out loud to my family I was faced with my truth. The fact that I deeply scared and bruised people I love. I now know, that I could never erase or cover the things I have done. All I can do is truly acknowledge it, own up to it, and desperately pray they can see my heart.
I really hope these relationships and other ones I have hindered can somehow come out of darkness.