99 percent of the time I can be radiantly optimistic and just all smiles. But there are some days, like today, there are things that pierce my heart and I can not bare any positive emotions.
When I get these dark feeling, unfortunately, I let it sulk and soak my heart. I allow it the consume me. Not in a woe is me kind of fashion. But in way that I can think and dissect until I cannot think about it anymore. Until it escapes my heart and I can clearly see the beauty that came from this darkness… kind of like clouds.
Clouds are formed by collecting and cultivating debris. It just keeps gathering, until everything becomes too heavy and it begins to rain. This cloud spreads darkness for a little bit. Some longer than others. Then once the cloud has poured every drop, the cloud is gone allowing the sky to illuminate, the grass to become greener, cars become clean. Without the darkness and rain the clouds provided, we would not have such beauty. Which is why I allow myself to sulk and think over my pain.
I pour every ounce, well a lot, of my sadness out in thought so what I decide to do next is not clouded and so I can see the real beauty behind my pain.
So I beg when I am sad, and it is unusual for you. Allow it to happen. It will not last long, as long as you let things run its appropriate course. You can not stop a cloud from raining, just like you can not stop me from being sad.
I mean, you are allowed to ask if I am OK. But if I do not want to to answer, please do not be offended, I am just not in a place to openly speak about it. Maybe at some point I will, but allow me to decide when I am ready. I am pretty good about being open when I am willing.
I understand that it is hard or weird to see me upset. unfortunately, I do get sad and beat myself up, but that does not change who I am. A person of hope and love. Just some days are better than others. Sometimes I find that people see me different or write me off when I have days like this. I mean I cannot really change that All I can do is hope that they see and understand me.